just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
