I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
