nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
