Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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