So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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