I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
