I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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