he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
