Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
