I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
