He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
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Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
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He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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