Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
