omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
