k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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