I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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