Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I cut my penus on the lid.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Come on in and take your pants off
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