That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
