i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
