My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
