Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
