your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
