So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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