You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
