So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
