My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
