Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
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dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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