I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
