Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
