she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
This couple is walking their pig around campus
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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