trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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