The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
