Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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