I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
