between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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