like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Randomize
