There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
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America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
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I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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