Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
