Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
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Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
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Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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