guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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