Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
