i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We're too hungover to prance.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
