I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
