You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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