I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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