I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
