mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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