I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
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I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
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Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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