So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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