I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
