You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
