Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
