Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
