I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
