I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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