toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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