So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
